Thursday, April 10, 2008

Bunny, SweetPea, Pea pie, Punky, Little One, Bambeano

These are all the names I've heard people call their little babies. I turn left, I turn right, I look dead on straight in front of me, even behind me and I find a pregnant woman staring back. It's like a plague for me right now (not necessarily a bad one, just always on the brain) Some of these women are babies themselves (teenage), some are on their second, and some are new. With this plague of pregnancy surrounding me, I find myself wondering what if ... what if I never had a child?



Don't get me wrong. I LOVE them. I enjoy playing, burping, and dressing them just as much as the next Chicky, But what if I'm never ready?



Today I was honored with a phone call from a friend telling me she's expecting her first. I was so thrilled I nearly cried (which I often do when hearing someone close to me is getting ready to give the greatest gift... Life! Why wouldn't anyone be over joyed by the sheer though?). Then as I'm getting all the details, that question immediately comes in my head (ruining the moment)... Can I do it? Do I really want to grow up? Are "We" ready?



Again this is on my mind at least once a day and I've started talking apparently aloud, instead of in my own imaginary world, getting answers all the time from different people, saying the exact same. You can do it, Look at me I'm doing it. Or You don't really have to grow up anymore than you are, you just have to change your priorities. Finally the favorite is ... YOU'LL NEVER BE READY! YOU JUST HAVE TO DO IT AND STOP TRYING TO PUT IT IN PRO'S & CON'S... The CONS will ALWAYS WIN!



I guess I'm just afraid. Mostly about my marriage. I'm new at this whole marriage/commitment idea. I do well at it, I think, but still I just don't want to screw it up. I've never had such a giving wonderful relationship as I do now. I don't want to loose what I have.

Here lately though, I feel as if I'm faced with a challenge. Probably just some crazy concoction I've generated in my delusional female mind, but nevertheless, it's there... What if I decide I never want to have children? or I decide I'm just not ready and I wait to long to say yes and I loose everything? I'm so afraid of all this and I'm sure I'm over reacting to a delusion. The changes of having an addition to our family of 2 and the possibility of waiting to long and losing everything I've come to love treasure so dearly.


Please God, let me stop being so afraid of what life has to offer. Help me be strong, help me to find the courage and the might to make the right decisions for me.